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The question of the day is both timely and timeless. It speaks to confounding choices that have rendered brilliant orators speechless, caused grown men to cry real tears and mamas to not let their babies grow up to be Tigers. Probably.
The question is this: What is the worst quarterback decision in Auburn history?
Hugh Freeze riding with Payton Thorne, in a twisted remake of Thelma & Louise, entered the chat last Saturday after the sixth-year college senior and fourth-year college starter paid unintentional homage to the classic 1994 Interception Game.
If you recall, 30 years ago this month, Terry Bowden's incredible 13-game winning streak to start his Auburn tenure seemed dead in the water as LSU took a two-touchdown lead early in the fourth quarter. In the final 14 minutes, LSU QB Jamie Howard threw five - count 'em, five - interceptions, right there in Jordan-Hare Stadium in front of Auburn Jesus and everyone. The Tigers returned three of them for touchdowns to storm from behind and snatch victory from the slack jaw of Curley Hallman.
Thorne wasn't as efficient as Howard. Against Cal, he needed all four quarters to throw his five picks. Only four counted because of one dubious pass interference call, but that was more than enough to doom Auburn to defeat.
During his Monday press conference, Freeze defended his decision to keep starting Thorne because of how much better he performs than the other quarterbacks in practice. On Wednesday's SEC teleconference, the Auburn coach put the chairs on the church bus and warned that he might just toss Thorne under it Saturday against New Mexico.
"There’s a very, very short leash on us playing as poorly as we did in certain moments in that game at that position,” Freeze said.
A vote of confidence or display of leadership, it was not.
It was, however, an inspiration to re-examine the recent quarterback follies that have become a running gag on the Plains. Here are Freeze's predecessors in head coaching cluelessness regarding the most important position on the field.
Har-de-har Harsin
Bryan Harsin is the gag gift that keeps on giving the Auburn family a reason to gag. Topping the list of his crimes against that unique subset of humanity: He ran off Bo Nix.
That's a fireable offense all by its lonesome.
All Bo Nix did at Auburn was reprise a family portrait in his first game as a true freshman, mimicking his dad's historic touchdown pass in the 1993 Iron Bowl, just in the nick of time to nip Oregon; win his first Iron Bowl; end two despondent decades of exploding cigar games at LSU; and helm the last two Auburn teams to finish with a winning record. It's worth noting that Auburn was 6-4 after the 10th game of his junior year when he suffered the injury that ended his stay on the Plains.
All Nix did at Oregon was develop into a Heisman finalist and first-round draft choice who started his first NFL game last Sunday.
Bet Nix is in the film room as we speak after a rough debut at Seattle, where he must've had Auburn flashbacks given the lack of help from his teammates and coaches. Meanwhile, Harsin is unemployed, flexing on his patio, tweeting out snark on AU's buyout dime.
Pity the fool.
Gus just had to Gus
In terms of quarterback coaching malfeasance, pushing Nix out the door will be hard to top till the end of time, but let's not let Gus Malzahn off the hook that easily. Instead of holding on for dear life to the clipboard that featured designed quarterback runs for elite running quarterbacks Cam Newton and Nick Marshall, Malzahn went mad scientist in the worst possible way.
He recruited, signed and started a series of quarterbacks who looked and played nothing like Newton or Marshall.
Peep the digits. Through one season with Newton as a Heisman winner and Malzahn as OC and two years with Marshall as the starter and Malzahn as head coach, those dual threats ran 589 times for 3,339 yards, a 5.7-yard average, and 43 touchdowns.
The Tigers went 34-7 overall and 19-5 in the SEC, collecting two immortal Iron Bowl victories, two conference championships and one national title. Would've been two big rings had Malzahn not turtled with a three-TD lead in the last BCS Championship Game against Florida State.
Following Marshall's multifaceted wizardry, Auburn started the comparatively immobile statues Jeremy Johnson, Sean White and Jarrett Stidham over the next four seasons. Their combined rushing totals: 333 carries for 562 yards, a 1.9-yard average, and 18 touchdowns.
So from 2015-18, the Tigers sank to 33-20 overall and 17-15 in the SEC, gathering one Iron Bowl victory, one SEC West title and blank, open-mouthed stares from the bleachers by the thousands.
You can cite Malzahn's lack of interest or success in recruiting offensive linemen as the root cause of his decline and eventual dismissal, but it goes deeper. He created his own definition of insanity. Instead of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, he did a very different thing and expected the same results.
It was just plain nuts.
A Rivers runs through it
Of course, no discussion of this subject would be complete without including Tommy Tuberville, who understood quarterbacks no better than civics. See the arrested development of Jason Campbell thanks to the head coach's unnatural affection for Daniel Cobb.
Far worse than not getting the best out of the talented Campbell until his final season, Tuberville had every opportunity to sign Philip Rivers out of Athens High School in his first full Auburn recruiting class. The coach wanted Rivers, but - in a twist Tuberville's agent, Jimmy Sexton, shared with me years ago with gusto - not as a quarterback. As a tight end.
Rivers ran for the border and escaped to NC State to play the position he was born and raised to play. He became a four-year college starter at quarterback, winner of three bowl games, the ACC's all-time leading passer, the No. 4 overall pick in the draft and a 17-year NFL veteran who retired at fifth in league history in career passing yards and touchdowns.
Yeah, but imagine what he could've done as an Auburn tight end catching passes from Daniel Cobb.
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